Pirate Cat Radio

Op-ed

Scotty Blank Dj’s @ Elbo

Cheap Hooch’s very own Scotty Blank is now DJ’ing at the Elbo Room on 17th and Valencia

from 7p to 930ish every Saturday (with the exception of today since he’s in Philly)

Make sure to check him out next Saturday, if you like what we play on Cheap Hooch Radio you’ll love  this too

…and if you don’t know what we play check out our weekly playlists:

http://cheaphooch.blogspot.com/

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Important new site…”dickipedia.org”

Incredibly perceptive…heres to you Mark Sanford

Political career

As a Congressman, Mark Sanford laid the groundwork for all the dickish endeavors he’d later gain fame for.

Upon his arrival in 1995, Sanford decided that rather than spend money on an apartment, it would be cheaper to sleep on a cot in his office. Then, he denied his staff the simple luxury of new letterhead, telling them to use the personalized stationary of the Congresswoman he replaced. These would be considered smart cost cutting moves had Sanford not been a millionaire.

Sanford’s cheapness extended to his political views, as he voted against any legislation that required government spending.

Some of the bills that he voted against included:

-A bill that protected the preservation of sites linked to the Underground Railroad

-A commemorative stamp raising breast cancer awareness

-The reauthorization of the Violence Against Women act

Sanford evidently didn’t see what the big deal was with slavery…or beating women…or beating women with breast cancer. It is unclear whether or not he has a stamp collection.

Governor of South Carolina

To celebrate being elected governor, Sanford skipped town (clearly foreshadowing a future trip) to join the Air Force Reserve in Alabama. While training for two weeks, he did not transfer power to lieutenant governor, and fellow Republican, Andre Bauer, as Sanford believed there should be a monopoly on being a dick.

In office, Sanford began his plan to run his state’s economy into the ground. Tensions with the South Carolina General Assembly came to a head on May 26, 2004, when the Republican-led Assembly overrode 105 of Sanford’s 106 budget vetoes.

Furious that they did not share his desire to ruin the lives of everyone in South Carolina, Sanford retaliated. In a visual protest against pork barrel spending, Sanford brought live pigs into the House chamber. The pigs, creatively named “Pork” and “Barrel,” immediately defecated on the chamber floor, as well as on Sanford’s shoes and credibility.

The following year, he brought a horse and buggy to the Statehouse, saying it symbolized the state’s outdated Constitution and ways of governance. At the very least, Sanford was keeping the struggling Farm Animal Rental industry alive.

For some reason, the voters of South Carolina re-elected him for a second term. Apparently, they are unusually tolerant of dickery.

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Getting Over an Ex

Lessons on broken hearts:

1. Anytime someone fucks you over, you give them two weeks to make some sort of mends (even if the inital cause of fuckedoverness was a result of your actions.  If said person does nothing to attempt to contact you (i.e. flowers, notes, emails, rocks through your window at 4am, etc.) you are to immeadiately cut them off from your life.  Please refer to number 4 on ways to cut people off.

2. As soon as any sadness begins to occur because of ‘heartache’ you must at once remind yourself why being alone is so much more fun.  My favorite examples include sleeping with offending heatbreaker’s best friend or keying offending heartbreaker’s new ghoulfriend’s car.

3.  If the above mentioned things do not work, call your best friend and plot different missions to bewilder offending heartbreaker.  My favorites include safety pining whole pig legs (found at Food for Less and other fine establishments) into diapers and draping them across ofender’s lawn.

4. To cut someone off it is imperative to create some story of their death and/or tragic demise.  My personal examples include: “I was engaged but my fiance died in Iraq. No not from an attack he was really stupid and shot himself in the leg and bled to death.” Or, “My boyfriend had a tragic bussing accident which caused him to be majorly impotent…henceforth I had no use for him”

5.  It will always happen that any offending heartbreaker will one some point or another come back to gain your trust and love. Sometimes, offenders will come back more than once.  You must stay true to the rules set forth in number one and remind your self of all the fun you had with the examples set forth in numbers 2 and 3.

6. There is a definite chance that you will be either weak, lonely, or simply suffering from mental set backs when trying to deal with issues explained in number 5. In which case, you will need to take emergency action.

Step One: If offender comes back after the two week grace period, and you know for certain that this offender will only fail to meet any expectations you have for your newly regrown heart, you are to immeadiately go out and fuck some random before responding to offender. If after random acts of sex you seem to only think about previous offender you must repeat Step one over and over again (different randoms options) until you no longer think of offender.

Step Two: After random acts you may repsond to offender all the while thinking of the great random sex you had the night (or beer) before.  It also helps to think of their tiny pee-pees, awful tattoos, or unnatural amounts of chest hair while talking to offender.

Step Three: If you must make plans to “talk” to offender make sure you sleep with them to show them your new found sex tricks you learned from that one guy who played Journey at the bar who went home with on that basis alone.

Step Four: When leaving offender’s house (that night because you don’t sleep over previous offender’s house…ever) make sure you look sorry when you tell them that they already had their chance (or 7) and that you are far to fucking cool to ever go backwards in your life…and that you have herpes…and you just infectected them as well.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

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PCR awarded 7×7 Best of the City 2009

Best DJ Gazing: Pirate Cat Radio

The friendliest pirates ever have staked claim in the Mission—they’ll even serve you organic coffee and vegan donuts. Over at Pirate Cat Radio Cafe and Studio they are (arguably) illegally taking to the airwaves (87.9 FM), broadcasting live music, news and interviews 24 hours a day under the cloak of, well … nothing. Drop into the café from 7 a.m.–11 p.m. and watch DJs Naked Rob, Monkey and Miss Deena do their thing. 2781 21st St.

Thanks 7×7!!!

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crack

People make demands of me. They say I should be taller than I am. That my choice in shoes is absurd. My hairline should move forward (or backward) according to their whims.

I should live in a different neighborhood of the City. Eat less meat. Eat more meat. Gain my weight back. Lose another 40 pounds. Make wild rice. With a toothpick and toilet water.

I get emails about how I’m a hunk. From mustached men. Living in Arkansas. I should stop emailing Ruthie. I didn’t know I was her son’s age. Can she go to jail for that? For my hot pursuit of her tah-tahs?

Every morning I have to get up and wash my teeth so they don’t fall out. I wash that thing dangling between my legs so it won’t fall off either.

Things falling. Moving. Internet correspondence. Voice Mail. Mad Magazine slyly placed inside a Penthouse magazine while on the bus so no one will think I need to have sketches with my satire. Your daughter is lovely, what school does she attend?

Her mother gives me a dirty look and I realize that my Penthouse is doing a horrible job covering up the Alfred E. Newman logo.

Society demands that I be not myself. Organization plagues me.

Poo doesn’t go into the clothes hamper and dirty clothes won’t get cleaned in the garbage disposal.

Damn Bukowski worshippers. Read the Bible. That’s literature gone mad. That throws Kathy Lee Gifford’s eyeballs into the back of her head. See if you can read that and not catch yourself in the middle of the struggle of good and evil. On a universal scale. Because you’re so damn important. You’re not a spec on this planet revolving. You should have a panic attack every two minutes, knowing that we’re catapulting through space, around a fireball. Giving off more heat than a suicide bomber for Ala.

Sunday bloody sunday.

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You Should be Watching This!!

Has anyone been watching TV lately? I know there’s quite a bit of crap on…such as reality TV, but things are looking up. And maybe this is due to my recent unemployment but seriously, it’s getting pretty good. So here’s what you should be watching: first off of course keep watching the basics; you’ve got 30 Rock and the office…and if you secretly watch desperate housewives, keep watching it and keep lying to yourself about how it’s okay. At this point I should probably mention Lost and how I’m done with it…you’ve stringed me along for too long, Lost.

Moving on, the other shows you should already be watching include Family Guy and American Dad, the Simpsons is optional mostly because it’s been on for so long and it’s not super great anymore. But let’s get to it, on abc you’ve got castle which is kind of crappy but it’s got Nathan Fillion who’s hotter than hell and is hilarious. Also, on abc you’ve got the Unusuals…this show is also finding its footing but I like the characters. Also don’t forget about the Ramsey shows…Hell’s Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, I haven’t seen the latter in a while I’m waiting around for it.

Okay, we’re nearing the end of my TV recommendations. Fourth to last is House. I know it’s been on for awhile and doesn’t make too much sense but I just love Huge Laurie. Big finale time, here are the best new shows on TV right now: 1) Fringe is produced by JJ Abrams, come on, you know you love this guy. This show is essentially the new X-files but with a hot girl as the lead character. But this girl is a really good actress and when you see her you don’t think “oh, wow, bimbo” no, you think “how is she ever going to get out of that parallel universe!?” yeah, it rocks, it even has a sweet absent-minded professor that takes a lot of LSD. 2) Lie to Me; okay this has amazing acting genius Tim Roth in it. Tim Roth has been in great films such as Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and my personal favorite Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead, a Tom Stoppard film and winner of Best Picture in the Venice Film Festival. So yeah, watch it. 3) Finally, the best new show of the season is Dollhouse, this is the new show by Joss Whedon creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV show), Angel etc etc…I’m a big fan, I even read the comics he puts out. For a while there he took over a few old titles including Runaways…anyway, yes, im a big big nerd. But seriously, watch this show; it’s worth your time. So instead of updating my resume and looking for a new job, I’ll be watching all these shows on hulu.com or maybe by going directly to the network sites.

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Rabbits are not easter gifts … they are a 10 year commitment!

 

Easter Bunny? Make Mine Chocolate.

 

 

 

By Rebecca Simmons

What belongs in an Easter basket? Mouth-watering chocolate, fake grass, jellybean-filled plastic eggs, and pastel-colored candy. What doesn’t? Bunnies—at least not the real kind.

That’s the message behind “Make Mine Chocolate!”, a campaign that urges consumers to stop and think about the life-long care and attention that a rabbit requires before buying or adopting one of the hop-happy critters.

The goal of the campaign—launched in 2002 by the Columbus, Ohio, chapter of the House Rabbit Society—is to help reduce the large numbers of rabbits who are relinquished by their owners, particularly in the weeks and months following Easter.

“Animal shelters and rabbit adoption groups receive calls every day from people who want to relinquish their pet rabbit,” says Karalee Curry, chapter manager of the society.

“It’s a year-long problem, but especially relevant during Easter. We are asking people to suppress the urge to buy a cute bunny on an impulse or as a gift for their children this Easter and instead buy chocolate bunnies.”

Take Action for 
Easter Bunnies!
1. Get the Word Out. Send a letter to the editor of your local newspaper,attach envelope labels to your outgoing mail or print out flyers and post them around town. Check out the campaign web site for a complete listof ways to spread the word.

 

2. Fast Forward. Send this article to friends and forward on the important message of “Make Mine Chocolate!”

3. Purchasing Power. Get “Make Mine Chocolate!” merchandise and share your bun-friendly message! Shirts, bumper stickers, totes and more are available.

4. Speak Your Mind. Know someone who’s thinking about adopting a rabbit? Encourage them to log on to www.humanesociety.org for more information on rabbit care or ask them to check out theInteractive Bun—a fun tool on the “Make Mine Chocolate” web site designed to help people decide if they’re ready to adopt a rabbit.

Despite being small, cute and cuddly, rabbits are a breed apart from hamsters, guinea pigs and other small mammals kept as pets.

“People need to understand that a rabbit is not a stuffed animal or a toy—they are fragile animals who require a great deal of special care, different from other pets,” says Adam Goldfarb, issues specialist in the Companion Animals section at The HSUS.

“Without first doing thorough research, including talking with rabbit adoption groups or their local shelter, most people are unlikely to anticipate the amount of care and attention that rabbits require.”

“Rabbits are the third most frequently relinquished pet at animal shelters,” says Curry. “People who are concerned that there are too many homeless dogs and cats need to realize that rabbits are also part of the equation of too many pets and too few homes.”

The idea of surprising a loved one with a chocolate bunny instead of real rabbit is obviously catching on and, while it may make your dentist unhappy, it’s nothing but good news for Easter bunnies everywhere.

From www.hsus.org

www.makeminechocolate.org

www.rabbit.org

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Why Won’t Anybody Do Something About Carrot Top!?

It seems as plain as the speckled nose on his face…Carrot top should really stop working out.  Its creeping me out, its creeping everybody out.  There’s nothing more awkward than seeing his super cut freckled body all aglow from his equally unnatural George Hamilton tan. The homeless should stop working out too…specially that guy that hangs out outside my work building, but I digress.  Not only do I have to endure the split seconds of that train wreck he calls a comedic routine as I channel surf away from him as fast I can, but now I have to be reminded that he has a penis which he probably uses on women that have given up on life.  I’d rather blow that guy that works the counter at the deli near my work than let Carrot Top come within a foot of me…but then again I’d rather blow the deli guy than most other things I do during the day…so I’ll up the ante.  I’d rather let Michael J. Fox wax my lady parts with barely warm wax than let Carrot Top within 12 inches of me.  Also, I’m fairly certain he wears make-up…not just to cover up that connect the dots game he calls a face but also eyeliner…really!? Is that what we’re doing now…eyeliner on Carrot Top??  Did someone crawl into my brain and meticulously select every little thing I consider unattractive in a man and then put a six-pack and a dick on it…not funny guys, not funny.   Vegas is not as fun since he started performing there either…now every time I go there are gargantuan billboards of him with bikini models…again…Vegas, this concerns you…stop creating a co-relation between Carrot Top and sex.  I dry up like the Sahara just typing about it…I doubt even that hot kid that works the Starbucks around the corner could make something happen down there…although, I bet the hot deaf guy from company planning could, but I digress.  If he had any decency he would quite the roids, stop using his penis or get rid of it altogether, cut/dye his fucking Wendy locks and avoid all broadcasting devices.  One person cannot do it alone, please search your hearts and pockets and join my efforts to put this matter to bed…FUCK!! GROSS!!!  I’ll rephrase…please help me end CT.  Say it with me…END CT!! END CT!!END CT!!END CT!!END CT!!END CT!!END CT!!

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Don’t Try Suicide

**This post has been edited as explained below**

If you’ve been playing the Drinks with Tony game at home, you know that I’ve had my fair share of suicides to deal with over the years, family members, friends, etc.

The latest is _________.

He _______.

He never ________.

After shit like this goes down, there’s always that, “what if I only…..”.

We’ve all been down, especially writers in touch with the human condition, I believe we have seen the darkness and have been there and admit it. It’s an essential quality as a writer to have some suicidal leanings.

Now, if you feel suicide is your only way out, then I beg you to stay alive until Winter 2010, give the credit card companies of America the middle finger and do me a solid by purchasing thousands of copies of my book, “Memoirs of a Teenage Jesus Jerk”. While skipping off to what’s next, or if our future is meat for maggots, know that your purchase will help get the word out regarding my book. Buy one thousand copies, then hand them out at subway stops, homeless shelters and cafes near you.

What probably will happen is you’ll feel so good for being so selfless that you won’t kill yourself and will owe the credit card company a shitload of money. No worries. I’ll put together a fundraiser for you to get you out of debt and we can give away some of the books you bought at the fundraiser.

(you know i’m kidding, right? if you really need to do yourself in, just do it…but know that you’ll never know if someone actually does something as idiotic as buying 1000 copies of my book next year…isn’t waiting for that good enough to stick it out for another year…just one more year?*)

*unless of course you’re george bush or another waste of space and air on our planet….then go buy them books and die.

back to the real, ________, you made me a better writer and for that I will be eternally grateful.

[Because other family and friends were affected by the death of a person I mentioned in this post, I’ve respected their request to not mention the person who may or may not have killed himself, but still blatantly and “tastelessly” promote my upcoming book for any future suicidal people.]

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Holly got drunk and wrote to Camel

and it’s effin funny:

Dear Camel,

I know you must get a lot of “hate” mail what with you being a substance and people not taking responsibility for using or abusing you, but I wanted to write to you and say thank you. Recently you have put out the camel 9 line of cigarettes and me and some of my close friends love them. They’re light and fragrant and pink…and that suits me. Currently, I’m one of two females that front a girl punk band in San Francisco called The Two Timin Hussies and we don’t mind saying that it would be our dream come true if you were to sponsor us while we smoke your 9’s (and perhaps it could carry our logo in pink)…but I’ll leave that to one of your young execs to make happen. Anyway, I thought it was about time you got some “kind” mail because no one publicly puts down other substances like wine. Either way, I wanted to say that we love your cigarettes and would at the very least love some free samples:) :) 

p.s. the face of camel 9’s is young and cute and in San Francisco!!! Because, fuck you, smoking is cool!!

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